The Roses in full Bloom at Heywood

I feel that the roses at Heywood are putting on a good and final show after last years pitifull performance...the desprez a fleur Jaune and the Albertine and the Belle Isis are all in full bloom. I brought them home from Sissinghurst in Kent when I came to Alderley so many years ago, and they have never looked so beautiful. Quite what I can dig up and take will depend on my spade technique. mmm could be tricky.

Bed head and early morning hair

Rosa has brought new meaning to the title and I feel I am struggling to compete. I can always give it a good go though....

Barnsley and the gardens in full bloom

Very rarelysome occasions need no words. Its all terribly sad . Barnsley House. Just in bloom and at its peak. What can I say.

Pierre and his new album

Blimey. I am having a surreal moment in a surreal week. First I am told that Jacks golfing and football schoolboy pal is Niall Marr, son of Johnny Marr...I couldn't bring myself to tell him that a long time ago backstage at Salford Uni, after a Smiths early gig his fathers band mate Morrisey and I... well lets leave this blank...and then Pierre tells me he has made an album . All at 23 years of age. Good stuff indeed and we shall be hearing a lot more of him no doubt. And if Manchester gets its way again, seeing too. Its all music and bells this week... I said bells.

The Scarecrow Festival at Dunham Massey

Its a random life. In the middle of Brad meets Jen in secret and It bags you never knew you wanted to put in a bin liner, you chance upon a medieval festival, which involves ....Scarecrows in character from Alice in wonderland Lewis Carroll style( or should that be Charles Dodgson?) Anyway Teddy was impressed and selected one which he thought looked like TMH. it wasn't Alice thankfully but it was the 6 foot white rabbit. Surreal.

The Three Settings on the Toothbrush

Loosely I read these as;

1. What I do
2. What I don't do
3. What I daren't do

Leave this one with me and I will be back to it when I have decided whether its publishable in a built up area...

Mens Pants for a change

Aside from frillies-usually for girls and builders from Accrington having a night in canal street-there is a bit of a pants revolution going on in the boys locker rooms...a bit of print and colour I do detect and long overdue. Whether its sightings of the Beckham bill Boards or the relaunch of CK pro-stretch on that hunky and slightly chunky model..who knows but the top few above show that life is alive and kicking in the male frillies division......the Ralph red flared boxers are quite something...

Notting Hill and beyond the pale...

You’d think they’d get it. You’d think, wouldn’t you, that when the world falls on your head, you might do something different. It’s like Moses. Comes down from the mountain, still smelling of burning bush, eyes revolving, levitating with the true believer’s va-va-voom, and he bellows: “God, the God — Mr God to you — just gave me these instructions, written in sodding marble, and it's going to get us out of here. After 40 years in this hole, we’re going home. Milk and honey, vineyards, fedoras. Listen up.”
Then a bloke at the back says: “Well now, hold on. Hold on. Maybe we shouldn’t be hasty in discarding the golden calf. Granted, it’s been a bit tricky recently, but it just needs a bit of tweaking. Have you ever thought that perhaps what we need is a bigger golden calf?”
And that’s when Moses loses the plot, and throws a right strop. Not only did God give him celestial sat-nav, he also gave him a proper, Old Testament, fundamental fire-and-brimstone temper. (That and a foreskin, which was something of a novelty for the Jewish ladies.) Anyway, I’m with Moses. Not only the foreskin bit, but I’m just about to have an exodus tantrum.
What is it that restaurants don’t get about their customers? Seeing as customers are poorer than they were last year, their suppliers are being straitened, their manufacturers are shuffling to the edge. What is it about restaurants that makes them think the normal rules don’t apply? I’ve lost count of the number of managers and owners who’ve taken me aside and said, “Touch wood, the times don’t really seem to be affecting us.” Which bit of the global economy do they imagine doesn’t apply to them or their customers? Even if all you feed are bailiffs and accountants, that’s not the point. This is a moment when you need to look at yourself in the mirror of what you do, and realise it isn’t good enough. It might have been all right then, but it’s not all right now. You can’t go on selling squander and snobbery. Customers want to be fed from a different menu; they want to feel differently about themselves.
This week’s review isn’t so much a criticism as a parable. It is about a place that has so comprehensively failed to notice the change in the weather, that is so utterly out of step, desperately, sadly passé, and embarrassingly over, that it should be called The Bigger Golden Calf. Instead, it’s called Daylesford Organic, in Westbourne Grove, in London’s crunched and conflicted Notting Hill. It is a small, self-satisfied chain that’s been unloaded from the mother shop, which is a sort of Cotswold Westfield, selling everything you’ve never wanted for that cashmere lifestyle. At its heart, it is a food shop of such towering pretension and expense that only those who are bored and weepingly depressed enough to live in Oxfordshire can appreciate. A passing friend told me he’d gone in to buy some cheese, “but I only had £196 on me”.
The Westbourne version is situated on premises that were a previous organic grocer, before being bought out by the American organic grocer Whole Foods, which promptly closed the venue down. Don’t you love wholesome, green capitalism? So now there is a shop that truly defies description. I don’t know what it thinks it is. It sells horn-handled trowels for people who do one-handed gardening. . There are bits of rustic scratchy stuff that might be for sitting on, lying under, or tying in a tasteful bow around your head, but are probably only for putting in a drawer. It’s staffed by sad women who have been employed because they look like Victorian scullery maids, and almost curtsey when you come in. Next to it is another shop, selling foodish things. It isn’t a food shop in any useful sense; nobody would bring a list here. It sells edible knick-knacks, Valium-induced impulse buys for people whose other impulses include painting their dining-room tables white and distressing them with a bicycle chain, and slicing their arms with broken lead-crystal glass.
There is a restaurant and, downstairs, another restaurant. Upstairs, it’s a cramped little cafe. We sat in the window, watching Notting Hill pass by, like straggling refugees from Kosovo.same dear deer that lost its head to the gardening equipment. The meat was covered in some concoction that made it taste like a medieval poultice for boils. English vegetables were roots that you could tell were English because they were flaccid and politely tastelessNot that a girl should know of such things...

Elizabethan Rose

After the heavy rains of 2008 which rusted all the fine roses all over the land, what a joy it is to smell the heady scent once again of Albertine -Its a medieval scent and so rare. The garden is bursting with scented heads and its a fine thing indeed. Bliss in the late evening. I even think it makes wine taste better or it deadens other senses and heightens others..mmm..leave that one with me.

Surrounded by divorce

its an odd notion. Divorce. It sounds fierce and surrounded by wolves. There is nothing to delight in. Its not like a wedding only dressed in black. ( well perhaps the attending friends may now wear only black). We owe to the middle ages the 2 worst inventions of Humanity-Romantic Love and Gunpowder. The dangers of romantic love-well we don't mean the danger in the obvious way-the cheap betrayals and broken promises-we mean the dark danger that lurks when sensible educated women fall for the dogmatic idea that romantic love is the ultimate goal for the modern female. This idea is a particular monster because although it is in fact quite new, it feels old. Its phony patina of age gives it an immutable quality. The very few voices that qualify it are so quiet that they get entirely drowned out by the noise of a thousand films, poems, books and articles that shout for its dominant truth. Its credentials are bolstered by the ancient and unimpeachable sources-It was Plato who said that Humans are like two sides of a flat fish-endlessly searching for their other half. And then there is Shakespeare, who still has the last word on everything even though he has been dead for 400 years-who gave us the sonnets and Much Ado and Antony and Cleopatra-even though admittedly the last one did not turn out so well. Throw in Byron and Yeats and Auden and the conclusion is that that Romantic love surely must be the highest human goal;the sources are irrefutable. There are women who entertain the subversive notion that like a mouse scratching behind the skirting board, that perhaps this higher love is not necessarily the celestial highway to absolute happiness. Their empirical side kicks in and they observe couples that marry in a Haze of adoration and sex are 10 years later throwing china and fighting over who gets the dog. Not sure what the answer is-leave that one with me.

Teddy and his Matfir and Haftorah

Enfin. Finito.Those perilous 7 months of preparation. They can all now give way to endless twin deck mixing and crushing defeats on the track( well scalextrix at least)and new air can be breathed whilst taking the opportunity to silently smirk at the struggling trail of others who will always lay in his wake.So well done, Mr with-such-aplomb. The Boy did well. My annual fix of Shul has been completed. I now also understand about Reform breakaway groups in the faith. Its all comes from women. They spend so many hours of isolation in the gallery that when they have done the shopping list, mentally invited a set of people for dinner next month, checked out the recalcitrant men below, checked our their be-hatted peers, they tire and the mind wanders to ideas of Reform; " Perhaps they should put a Costa up here , they muse and perhaps heated seats and perhaps.... That's how it all started. Mutiny is invariably never a mans thing. That's too much like hard work, esp when there is a fish supper to source and a game on the telly and wine to be slugged.Ah well.

In love with the game...

I don't suppose it comes as a shocking revelation that I am not exactly a sporty person. I am, as a colleague once pointed out with the kindest of intentions, built more for comfort than for speed. But even in my lithe youth I showed little promise and less enthusiasm.

You see, that's the thing: my sloth, my indolence, my desire to walk rather than run, stand rather than walk, sit rather than stand and be supine rather than sit, has led me to sport or, more specifically, to soccer.

It quite exciting to think of the match tonight whilst working...bliss in fact but dont tell a soul.

Rather in the manner of those bumper-sticker witticisms, it's amazing how many hours I can lie flat on my back watching people run up and down a pitch. Or - as I now know it should be called - the park.
I don't pretend to understand all the rules, or often even what is going on. I know that if asked to explain the offside rule I wouldn't do as well as Angela merkel did when challenged by Bild am Sonntag.
I've got more napkins with more squiggles on them from men trying to explain it to me than you would believe and I'm still not sure I really get it.
My career as a football follower, however, has led me to conclude that since players, refs, commentators and pundits spend quite a bit of time arguing over it, the confusion can't be all mine.
But there are a lot of sports shown on television, and it's only soccer that stirs me. In fact, it does more than that: it moves me. I should say straight away that there is nothing of the ladette leeriness about this love.
I feel embarrassment and distaste when I hear women rhapsodise about a player's legs or generally go "phwoar". It's just tacky and vulgar, and anyway I don't share their taste.
But perhaps that's because I'm older, and maybe it's also because I'm older that I love football, love football players. I fear my affection may be maternal: I feel as a mother does so specifically for a son - both proud and protective.
There is something about football players, that particular mixture of otherness, strength and petulance that seems to sum up the muscularity and fragility of maleness. As Mae West said before me: "I like my men to be men: strong and childish."
Perhaps that's why I prefer soccer to rugger. I feel rugby shows men how they like to see themselves - noble warriors, primitive god-monsters -whereas soccer shows men as women see them:

competitive, full of greedy ego and with that mummy-watch-me-jump need to impress.

I'm not claiming that watching football gives me insight into what it might be like to be a man, but I certainly like the feeling of being, if not in the boys' club, then allowed to eavesdrop on it. I love witnessing that different thing: male camaraderie.
I like it when players give a hug to someone on the opposing team after a match, or help one another up after a stumble - even if it was the result of what, in that delicious lingo, is described as a "cynical foul".
And what I love most is the affectionate joshing in the Match of the Day studio. Oh, how my eyes mist over as they rib each other and make in-jokes.
It doesn't matter that I don't always understand the references, not having followed football when actually played, but I feel I belong.
And of course, that sense of belonging is such a great part of being a football fan.
It's not just about having a sense of kinship with, for me, other Man UTD supporters, but about being able to do what men have traditionally always done - find common ground and have an agreeable and warm chat about sport.
I'd call it bonding, except that word is emetic and the joy of this connection is that it's superficial.
Women in the same position are plunged into profundity, with all its concomitant banalities: talk of relationships, parenthood (itself a hardly inclusive club) and Real Life. Give me a break! Or else it's make-up and shoes, and after an ironic few minutes, the joke can wear off, believe me.
Funnily enough, although I baulk at the clichés of female bonding, I adore the clichés of soccer. I love the hairstyling and colouring, the earrings, the hackneyed vanity. I enjoy every footballer who comes on to be interviewed after a game on Match of the Day in a matching suit, shirt and tie combo.
And the size of those knots bursting bulgingly out of the stiff pointy collars: there's not one detail wrong. You could tell they are footballers at a hundred paces. Mind you, they do pretty well on the studio sofa, too.

And it's some competition. I've noticed that they overwhelmingly favour piping, trimming and other fancy detailing, and have a defiant insistence on anything that will strobe in the studio. On every count, the over-highlighted miserabilist Lawro wins.
All that's a plus, but it's not the whole of it. As women, we have too much narrative in our lives, and for me perhaps the excitement of watching football is that it just happens. I'm not following a narrative, I'm absorbed in the game.
Well, not that absorbed: I still manage to commentate myself. I provide not only a running commentary on the game, but a running commentary on the commentary.
And now we've got to what I think is one of the deepest thrills provided by the game - its language.
I adore the way that when an attempt on goal rebounds off the post, commentators invariably report this as being "denied by the woodwork". I love it that when a bawling, brawling, foot-stamping monster shouts at the referee for a decision against him, this is noted as "dissent".
I particular relish how commentators are keen to avoid any infelicity: thus, instead of repeating the name Drogba, say, too often during a commentary, he will be alternatively referred to as the "Ivorian centre forward" or "the former Marseille player".
The commentators are not there just to comment but to present us with carefully crafted linguistic offerings. I cite one favourite of mine (I think emanating from a Middlesbrough-Aston Villa game): "The apprentice is level-pegging with the sorcerer."
And then there's the literature. True, there are no great claims to be made for this oeuvre but give me a footballer's stolidly ghost-written memoirs over a smart 'n' sassy bit of chick-lit nonsense any day. Yes, I have read the whole of Totally Frank (by Lamps) and yes, I relished Cashley (as he's known in the game) Cole's My Defence.
In particular I admire how on one page he confesses demotically "As soon as my foot struck the ball, I knew it meant trouble, but there weren't no stopping it." A few pages later, he is pondering to himself (as he listens to a conversation between Davids Dein and Seaman) oh-so grammatically: "Who isn't listening to whom?"
Why do I find that touching? Well, no matter how many times that Wildean apothegm is pulled out - the old "football is a gentleman's game played by thugs while rugby is a thug's game played by gentlemen" - and for all that our football teams are overloaded with out-of-towners on huge salaries, and spoilt children who give as poor accounts of themselves off the pitch as on it, I do feel that football is the last bastion (we're in cliché-country, why fight it?) of the old-fashioned, respectable working class.
It means something to me when a player or manager refers to "the lads". Who else says lads any more? And yes, football is composed of teams but it relies on people who haven't been brought up to think that it doesn't matter whether you win or lose. I admire that honesty. Everyone minds. They really, really mind.
And that's the thing, really: it may have no narrative, but soccer provides the most compelling, most enduring soap opera I know.

However I realise my enthusiasm is mine alone and isnt shared...

When all is said and done...

He's not that bad...

Most things in life fall in to 3 status categories;

• We want...


• We would settle For...


• We Get...

So with that in mind I shall share my experience with you, to illustrate my point.

• Primrose Asscher cut 5 carat diamond ( great with jeans)


• A flawless Asprey baguette emerald cut classic clear gem ( great all the time)


• a £199 nasty number from some dodgy outpost in the Trafford centre( never never good except for chavs planning a shotgun at Salford town Hall -if they can get a bus there.

TMH has to be thanked for his generous offer, as it would be rude not to. I shall get him back-be assured, when he isn't paying attention.

The prospect of a tattoo and where to place it on the body?

Not quite in the setting you had imagined perhaps, but perchance you are chatting away to a firm & stout Sicilian,and you suddenly learn of his love of tattoos. And you get to thinking;- where would I put mine and if I did what would I have ? A lovely quandary...It has to be a small cherub on the lower back, with widened delicate wings ,hidden away from general view, 16th C style...

More on this tomorrow after TMH will present his personal view of what to tattoo. Look and learn.

The forgetful self

I am not sure what its going to take. Each time I arrive at a foodstore in the car I leave all of the (supposedly) cloth eco friendly bags in the car boot. The brain disengages and sense doesn't kick in. I wonder if its because I am struggling to mentally list" pickles and shoe polish and milk and cat box grit"? Driving there I am in a fug, playing the game where as a child someone would put things on a tray and take something away, leaving you to guess whats missing. Its painful. As I wander the aisles I get upset by realising the things taken from the tray were batteries for the camera and garden sacks for sweeping up the petals-I couldn't play the game well then and I cant now.Perhaps I need a dictaphone to bark into, kept on a glasses chain around my neck. I think not but you are getting my drift.

Why Sindy Chucked Paul in 1968

Its not tricky. When Pedigree dolls of Canterbury felt the need to introduce a boyfriend for Sindy-the worlds most popular doll, who did they research and base Paul on? He was discontinued after 10 mins and the pictures tell you why. I mean... If you saw that on a dark night in an alley way , you would have your woman's weekly rolled in to a batton in minutes, and filing for a divorce on line. Its the pants;never let a man wear 60s swimming trunks-Its not a good look even on an Adonis. ( PS for the really observant, did you notice that the skiing Paul has got skates on in error-what a nutter he is)

Fair.ly. Hilarious

A day at the fair ground… what images are conjured in your minds eye? … Masses of people- some sitting, some queuing/ huge quantities of candy floss/ bright lights/ rides of all shape, size, colour and ferocity/ ear deafening screams from wide mouths of those on the big-dipper/ faint whiffs of cooking hot dogs and fried onions/ Winnie the Poohs and other Disney creatures awaiting their fate in grabber machines,… This is certainly the scene I imagined on Saturday morning when it was announced that we were to spend the day at the fair ground… so did my imagination prove correct… well yes, however it did omit certain details which only experience of such an event could crystallize. What I wasn’t prepared for was the sheer chaviness of it all, the smell of body odour permeating the air, obese vile people all exhibiting their wares in a very literal sense, odd men with cameras not looking dissimilar to those pictured on the front of red-top newspapers with ‘Rapist eats victim’ and the like written above their heads, every form of casual wear incl those vile 3 striped viscose joggers which were intended to spend their days on, well, joggers. Every form of dodgy handbag which would ignite in even the gentlest sunlight. Men in flip flops (with and without socks), huddies and worse…and the women? Well not too different from the men, just imagine the aforementioned with tits, and more facial hair. Each one looking quite capable of eating their own children. Families of at least 10 members all completely lacking in one way or another be it physical deficiencies or mental or both. I think you are getting the picture…Despite all of this… I had the best time. A different form of enjoyment was experienced than that of sitting in Claridge’s, It was the joy experienced when you gain more perspective. The kind of perspective which makes you feel normal. I now appreciate what I have and what others don’t have. In all of this humorous and sarcastic talk is a very serious truth. The fair ground was a microcosm of life for the masses of today. It represented what Britain is, a place of the chavs, the obese, the vulgar, the dirty, the rude and the ignorant. Things do not bode well… especially given that these people have the ability to pro-create abundantly. There’s little we can do but to live and let live and so my resolution is to do exactly that. But thank god my world is a million miles away from theirs. MH .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCX8s4lo8-8

Ice Cream vans

I have a new Business plan which involves Ice Cream vans but I am not going to share in on line with anyone here so suffice to say its fabulous...watch this space....

Easter greetings with serenity

This is my favourite church which is a secret pleasure. Lead church in Yorkshire stands isolated in a field with a heap of sheep enjoying the grass outside and the exclusive isolation. Its a place for the TMH to go and reflect on the hard work ahead in being a superstar global model in the days ahead perhaps ...! x

Is it me (2) ?

Gone are the days of the Bunty comic with the cut-out doll on the back cover and a free bracelet. Gone are the days of The Grazia summer special all -you- need -to -know -fashion guide. In comes a whole new genre of publishing from Taschen aimed at, possibly women, but I am guessing possibly not. I shall leave it up to you. There is even an eye watering pop -up version and an edition with 3D glasses in a pouch. Its clearly the season of Porn that is upon us. I am told its sponsored by Fyffes which I think is really quite rude. Whats girl to do? Buy the book I say.

Is it me?

I got to wondering whether my world was any madder than anyone Else's. This thought followed a 2 hour Journey from Leeds on a packed train with a hyperactive talkative guy who seemed hellbent on announcing his good fortune to me. (He didn't seem to read papers which might suggest that" do you want to drink to my success" a la taxi driver may now not be the best opening gambit.... ). He had had his first pay check-Good. He had just started a new job-excellent. He had just starred in a porn clip movie-OK right, interesting-not. Would I like to see him in it-and worse, opened up his laptop, and brought up the site YouPorn. Call me old fashioned, I thought I knew every google top 50 in the world, and Youtube was in it, but no, its YouPorn. He told me he was in the first clip and could I spot him.... Ever found yourself on the packed 4.08pm train to Manchester, with a laptop on full speaker whilst you view hardcore porn?. Me neither. I gave up after 2 mins and told him I couldn't find him amongst the writhing bodies with minimal clothing and maximum front and rear in all senses..he spun the laptop around and laughed saying, "nooooooo you in the wrong section..you need to click on "Gay" first. It did flash through my mind that this would be very useful in life with men ...click Straight ..click Gay...depending on how you felt, but I didnt share. I declined a re-run to see the said actor in flagrante, as I was still digesting a cheese and pickle sandwich and really, I said, I was pleased for him. I did however take a sneaky peak when I got home, and yes he was there. Here There and Everywhere. Its amazing what can be achieved with a sock puppet and a waiters outfit.I thought there's no need for that in a built up area...in the old days it would have been 2 chaps having a fag by the river, and if this clips anything to go by , nothings changed. Even more startling;this website is ranked as the no 17 worldwide traffic driver so where have I been all these months?. Not on YouPorn clearly. So if you want to perk up your day and your earnings you heard it here first.Perk as in Pinky or is it Pinky and Perky now....the picture above shows me wondering if my Breasts will make the grade and deciding not...

Apologies to all Easter Bunny fans out there

Didn't realise until now how much of an important figure The EB is to so many. So many rabbits have contacted me to say that I have not been kind to them out there in Bunnyworld, and that they normally spend their days taking tea with their bunny pals and don't ever do what I suggested...so here we are with an apology and photo proof that they do just that. Right then.

The Easter Bunny frightens me slightly

Is it me or do some images of The Easter Bunny look slightly odd. Picture this. A rabbit in full attire ceases you in an open space , insists you get in to a half egg and snogs your whiskers off.If you start having those type of dreams , you know you are really in trouble. Nothing wrong with Cadburys, with not a tail in sight...

Knitting possibilities in the modern world

I was given a crochet hook when I was 7 and a free rein on the contents of a wool chest at my grandmas-nothing particularly unusual, you may think,about that. I was expected to use a bobbin and create a dolls scarf tubular style... However as a determined child I decided it was to be a big project for myself and with daily application I created a poncho for myself in fabulous fuchsia and lime nylon wool with fringes. I thought it was so cool I took it to Spain and wore it all summer in 90deg heat. I only discovered this when my mother handed some old cine films to me lately in which the offending article is seen all over Madrid and Barcelona.

So with this in mind, I got to thinking should I try again. it took me about 5 seconds to think not.

Perhaps I shall suggest to TMH that wearing a dodgy sweater with a cable collar and matching hat, that he has created for himself may be good. (Not that TMH means Time on Your Hands or anything.)

Call me Old Fashioned but...

In searching for a doll at auction today I stumbled across the following lots which left me wondering why I collect late 50s Barbie when In fact all my life I could have been amusing myself with the following types...these are not made up...


Vinyl dolls: six ranging in size from 90mm to 760mm and two dismembered (8)

30 to 50 (GBP)

Special Auction Services

4 Apr 2009



[more]


142
Wooden doll with linen clothes & parasol and thermometer and surgical appliance

35 to 45 (GBP)

Stroud Auctions Ltd.

1 Apr 2009



[more]


528
Novelty toys: Hungarian road traffic toy, Russian dancing doll 145mm, three Chinese birds and MS 565 Drumming one armed Pandas in original boxes; Arnold speedboat (incomplete) 250mm; ten Japanese and Chinese novelties, G-E (17)

35 to 50 (GBP)

Special Auction Services

4 Apr 2009

Fragrances long left behind in our past

Its a tough one. That drifting faint aroma that whisks you straight back to 1982, when as a mere slip of a thing, you were obsessed with some scent du jour, in that hour, on that day.Does anyone remember the following? they have always stayed in my memory vividly

• Hungary water-..bought in a wide glass flask in a card cylinder from Crabtree and Evelyn..delicate and light and green and quite sensual..


• Caleche..of course its still there but it felt so sophisticated with a moth eaten 3/4 sleeve cash cardi over a Laura Ashley flowing maxi....


• Calyx by prescriptives-all green shoots and covert sex, in its jaunty cylindrical bottle with ridges..


• YSL Rive Gauche..oh my word..fragrance in a tin with bands of black enamel around...dancing at the Hacienda and drinking too many shots..


• YSL Paris...adorable bottle but it had to go after a week or 2...soooooooo sweet


• Penhaligons Blenheim...always and forever a reminder of so many places travelled to with a small bottle and an old faded dress and flip flops.


• Dior Eau Savage...what is it with this wonderful light small and its androgynous green scent..mmm...clothes off..tick...ready..tick..

Anyway back to work.

I mean ...you would....absolutely would "2"

So its Matthew v Jude this time...go on...you know you want to...buy both!

Fly the Flag

it did occur to me that instead of having ID cards and passports and other plain and awful carte d'indentite , a smashing alternative would be for every British citizen to have their own flag. Yep. absolutely your own. Fill a flag with your own uniqueness and loves in life. What Bliss. so picture the scenario; you are at the airport, going through the check in, and no need to fumble anymore in your top pocket for a dodgy little passport , as clever you, the day before you popped to Happy Snaps on the Gloucester road and got your flag printed on a tea shirt. So all you do is open your jacket, show your unique flag, and woosh, your through in a flash...

TMH opens his jacket, reveals a tight T which sports 3 interlocking woven hearts each delicately sewn with Chopard lockets containing teeny rose diamonds, the centre of which can be pressed to reveal some delicate Rachmaninoff . She would let him through immediately save that the buff guy 3 doors down in the queue is wearing a vaguely similar composition except that he Has Diana Dors encapsulated in his Hearts and the check in girl is wondering if they have swapped flags. a big hoo har ensues and we are back to passports faster than you can say Easter Bunny in a velvet Jacket.

I mean..you would...you absolutely would...

Bathazar V Jose..you pick...

Advice on a Wardrobe cull...

Do the wardrobe once. Leave for 2-3 weeks, do again. Leave 1 month, split with your Guy, plan to lose 7lbs in trauma, and admit that Lilac was a bad buy. ( and mauve and purple and everything out of the lavender family). Then have 2 glasses and 2 mates round and cull again. By now you should own 3 pairs of shoes 3 dresses 4 trousers and a few shirts. More to the point, GONE must include the following;

• Every pair of pop socks you have had since you were 15.yep every pair.
• Nothing with glitter stripes and pleats to stay- go as a Nun to fancy dress instead.


• All shoes with holes in even if they are emotional shoes that have a past. Yep, every pair.


• All clothes which look better on someone else.


• All clothes that you intended to wear for a wedding( and didn't) Bar mitzvah ( and didn't) pals 30th (and she is now 42)


• every single bra that has lost its matching pants, on a day when the world turned red.


• If you really must keep favourites , put them away in a trunk as if they were photos( they are not to be worn)


• All bad smelling fragrance that's been lurking since 1983 ...yes, you know its there...

What a difference a day makes...

How was your weekend? "Oh nothing much, popped to M and S and washed the 2ND car under the carport and watched 3 programmes on the Hitler channel on sky plus....... and caught up with Nancy."........ er........let me drift off to the sound of the ocean...zzzzzzzzzzzz .

However I didn't do any of the above. Instead I re booted the Aga, cooked for 16, wrote a piece for the New York Times, mentally have moved house at last ( its taken me 9 years to get here to feel like moving on and parking a few memories) . Lets hope the cabinet takes on dwarf proportions at last... TMH is now well on the way to being the face of Balenciaga for Men spring '10. He may have to settle for being the face of Bachelor soups, with a few sexy innuendos involving a spoon and boiling over soup,/Nigella lurking smugly in a fade out shot in the background- but he will take it in his stride which he tells me he can do with almost anything. And some of it is best kept out of Print.

You do have to say TMH will be wasted on the soup Ad so fingers crossed-I mean , you would wouldn't you?

I think TMH may be in love

He has her whilst he is in the bath in the morning. He has her in the evening. He even insists on having her in the car at all times of the day. She absolutely struts his stuff, and he just cant enough of her......nay........cant live without her. He has physically worn her out whilst leaving her case in the car. Her name is Diana. Her husband, Elvis needn't get too worried-Its only a passing phase, and I guess the said Elvis needn't file for divorce too hastily.TMH is very fickle and as I said , it will pass. Like a bowling ball through a wood pidgeon.

Mens shoes and other strange cuts to the hand...

I woke up today with a strange cut on my finger. I have to conclude that Charles was trying to get me to play croquet in the night and it all went wrong. But all that aside I do need to talk men's shoes, as the subject took off and matured in to a heated little chat , shall we say , last night . Boys v Girls?. Manolos V Dolcis.?..you can feel the heat and direction this was taking. I tried miserably to argue that if was a guy I would have just a handful of pairs of shoes, which would include 2 pairs of Lobbs and a pair of Edward Green ( those Oh so lovely suede numbers with the long toe-how in love could you be with a pair of shoes) Anyway; clearly the divided opinions separated the group like the red sea- connoisseurs to the right and scruffy buggers to the left. I stopped speaking after Mr X said he had never spent more than £25 on a pair of shoes in his life. I thought I would see if there was a box of ice pops lurking in the said persons freezer which might after 10 mins give his lips the big chill. Can you imagine being that proud.I would rather tar and feather myself in a damp ditch and place a paving stone on my head than suffer under £25 quid-dom for the rest of my days. There's every possibility that TMH feels the same way as he navigates a cheese and wine as we speak... except that the tar and feathers will appeal deep down in his psyche but lets not go there.Lets not indeed.

Credit Crunch and the search for a true meaning...

Can I get credit? Yes I expect so. Can I get Crunch? Yes Kellogg's do a lovely set of cereals in mini boxes that do the job beautifully..from Hoops to Loops to Flakes to Pops ..well you know, the shelves are jammed with the beasts. So what is it then that has had us shunning Prada and checking out Primark. But ; The horror is the NEW Primark smugness....quel Horreur..." the I only paid £1 brigade" And as if they needed to point it out. We already new and we secretly think they should sue them for crimes against fashion. But we keep quiet and smile, thinking if it means I have to trade up next month and not eat for 6 weeks , I shall be in Prada regardless. Just you watch...

The Empty Wardrobe..well potentially

TMH has been on the wardrobe prowl. There is nothing covert or secret squirrel about his activities. He just flings open the doors and climbs in and climbs out, sporting what remains of my ever dwindling section of the androgynous section of my rails. The grey dept is now almost depleted and the black is getting attacked.All mountain goats who surrender their fluff to be woven in to the lightest of pashminas are cowering at the back of the closet. I guess in a roundabout way is is is time he started choosing from the pinks and lilacs-might take a tadge of persuasion after a couple of glasses but well worth the effort I would say. I am desperate to get better use from the stagnant ballgowns that rarely get an airing but unless there is a Danny La Rue tribute act at the village assembly rooms , it may not happen. Watch this space...

Dull and Boringingsville Arizona

Is it me or is everyone becoming really dull. I am not generalising here , dear reader, so don't be offended. Its not personal. There is a complete lack of imagination which leaves me cold. Aren't you clever baking your own cakes( what?) they cry and aren't you creative( you have hand written a letter with pen and ink). My translation to all things in life as seen by the masses thus is as follows;
Georgian-something in a nest of 3 from the Grattan catalogue-
Edwardian-ditto as above from the Next home directory-
Victorian-ditto as above from Past Times, (as in a Victorian style Ipod cover with cherubs draped in sequins)
Bauhaus-a web site for 100% washable dog baskets.
Post War-anything after the Falklands which takes in Spandau Ballet and The Human league .
Contemporary.something from Asda Home or Aldi at Home. This means candles made from Pygmy effluent which gives an authentic wholesome smell around the home-One quick squirt and you are there. And don't get me on the Tesco Home fragrance aisles-They should be banned-every conceivable slice of utter nonsense all lined up masquerading as Lily of The Valley point -and -squirt or one -quick -puff diffuser. As if. My tip is to mash up a rotten banana-leave it on the window sill and guaranteed and wait for the comments-Its far cheaper.

And Oh I forgot,

Vintage...absolutely anything that's disregarded by your auntie Pat including the shower curtain with the plastic roses sliding rings from 1969...and the knitted poodle cover over the wine bottle. Bring it on.

Knickers

I want to talk about knickers.They get little air space in Vogue or in fact anywhere outside of Knicker weekly or Readers Knicker-both clearly don't exist unless you subscribe to some dodgy ciber portal, but we wont be going there so lets keep it above the sheets... I love the fact that Stella McCartney calls her frillies after an occasion or event-Lets say "Big day out" or "Down at your aunties" or whatever has the designers in raptures...But I am here to talk about the new phenomenon, nay obsession du monde, which is that of the frilly knicker. Everywhere you look there are frills and more frills ..don't try and get a pair of uncle sensibles that appear invisible under your trousers right now...nooooooooooo... not a pair to be had ! Waltzing through Primark the other day I was shocked to crumpet by the multiple tables and units stacked high simply with frilly nicknax...... thousands of the beasts.........every shade imaginable including Neapolitan ice cream( beach) and sorbets ( evening at beach) and dayglo( club near beach). And at £2 a pair, well, fill that trolley babes. Have I mentioned that they are ever so scratchy looking and in the wrong like they would make your arse look like a 60s bathing cap.

Absolutely Fabulous

The one thing I have always admired about TMH, is his unparalleled complete and utter disdain for absolutely anything that falls short of completely fabulous. He cant do half mast and has a personal physical meltdown over just about anything he deems naff or compromised-the flip side of this is that he adores the ridiculously high end of every sector ( think dogs coats hand stitched in Mink; Useless hand sequined bookmarks that rip the pages; shirts made from feathers et al) ...well all this brings me to thinking that it would be worth a nations "gasp", to see him win a TV competition to have his entire home decorated and furnished as a prize... and then see his face when it is announced that it is all to come from "Asda Home" ; Priceless.

He doesn't do humble so he would either flounce off set, muttering about preferring to live in a shanty town in Mumbai or accept the challenge whilst Ipod-ing a flight out of the country , and never been seen again. There is only so much rouching bunching and gathering you can do with 100% poly cotton sheeting. He thinks a house fire in a dodgy area is a blessing.

I think I have decided that I need a job; well possibly....

After much deliberation over what job to go for, alas, I have the answer... I am to become a furrier! that way I am sure to get a cheap mink or two! MH

Notes from a small wardrobe.

I had a bit of an 80s throwback seeing my Johnny Boden early issue fabulous belt, long placed at the back of the drawer for 80s waist reasons shall we say, get a second airing. Who remembers that fantastic and anarchic first catalogue, with its near obsession with stars-big baggy sweaters in cream with a giant central star, and look hard enough-the wonderful belts with Brass star and brass crown buckles...they didn't quite thread through the fine belt tabs on your Lee jeans, but you made them fit, loved them and carefully put them at the back of the drawer knowing that they were a bit special. They got a stay of execution every time you did a cull. You know you wouldn't probably easily fit them around your jeans without a big squeeze but they had to stay. I starting thinking about dark thoughts involving how many points in a topic or a twix, when TMH proudly sported one recently, and It has to be said it was quite fitted on him too. Very worrying indeed, when you consider that there is more flesh on a moose,s antler and if he turns sideways he could be marked absent.Note to diary.The cream eggs in trays of 12 from Tesco are to be a thing of the past.

Light Bulbs. Now there's an interesting subject...

It has come to be known that we don't all agree on the current offer of light bulbs-to be more precise the Eco friendly light up and last forever types.I am told that the said bulbs give out a poor low light and they take too long to crank up , and the idea of reading has therefore long passed. No Eyebrow plucking there then at the last minute, and G-d only knows quick facial inspections are a thing of the past.Leaving the house with gone with the wind hair and too much mascara is a thing I must get used to. It would appear that he holds a majority view, and I am to be given to buying all of the remaining shelf stock from Waitrose of the old currency style standard bulbs so that in the days ahead, arranged pre-leave-the -house appearance can be maximised...Perhaps I should never look in the mirror again-just take to simply hollowing out a giant Cadburys cream egg, fitting it neatly over my head like a bike Helmet. That way the mascara and hair will be oblivious to the world Perhaps not. As I shortly to enter the hallowed Charleston House in Sussex I am guessing they don't want 2lbs of chocolate dripping on to Duncan Grants ceramics, so as they say up north-I "shall pack that idea in". Onwards and upwards...

A night out on the tiles...

I am not complaining. I am merely observing. How long does it really take a man to get ready to go out? Good question, we chorus... After a ritualistic soak and scrub and shave and more hairspray than will be used in the whole town of Whitby this week, and The Man Himself is ready for the serious game, namely,...the choice of outfit....and this is where I get small doubts about whether (1)the bar, and whether it will still be open,(2) whether there will be more weight loss revealed and a hasty rummage for an even smaller belt, leading to (3) inner panic that the H belt will wrap round him twice (and I shall have to vow never to eat solid food again) , and finally(4) the agony of second guessing how high the hair will be tonight. Does this matter? Absolutely-It affects what heels I am going to wear so we can be at least no less than 6" in chat height in a crowded bar. Note to Diary...go to bar with varying height steps just in case. When it comes to Louboutins v Flats its imperative to know the plan...Its not as simple as John Lobb v Edward Green ,where to a man hair- height matters not a jot!.. Anyway in the immortal words of Loreal; he's worth it. Meanwhile my make up bag has gone missing...and the Persian cat hair floating in the air has added another inch to my height, ruining my heel plans. Call me old fashioned but is nothing sacred in this house? Don't print the answer-I already know.