Call me Old Fashioned but...

In searching for a doll at auction today I stumbled across the following lots which left me wondering why I collect late 50s Barbie when In fact all my life I could have been amusing myself with the following types...these are not made up...


Vinyl dolls: six ranging in size from 90mm to 760mm and two dismembered (8)

30 to 50 (GBP)

Special Auction Services

4 Apr 2009



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142
Wooden doll with linen clothes & parasol and thermometer and surgical appliance

35 to 45 (GBP)

Stroud Auctions Ltd.

1 Apr 2009



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528
Novelty toys: Hungarian road traffic toy, Russian dancing doll 145mm, three Chinese birds and MS 565 Drumming one armed Pandas in original boxes; Arnold speedboat (incomplete) 250mm; ten Japanese and Chinese novelties, G-E (17)

35 to 50 (GBP)

Special Auction Services

4 Apr 2009

Fragrances long left behind in our past

Its a tough one. That drifting faint aroma that whisks you straight back to 1982, when as a mere slip of a thing, you were obsessed with some scent du jour, in that hour, on that day.Does anyone remember the following? they have always stayed in my memory vividly

• Hungary water-..bought in a wide glass flask in a card cylinder from Crabtree and Evelyn..delicate and light and green and quite sensual..


• Caleche..of course its still there but it felt so sophisticated with a moth eaten 3/4 sleeve cash cardi over a Laura Ashley flowing maxi....


• Calyx by prescriptives-all green shoots and covert sex, in its jaunty cylindrical bottle with ridges..


• YSL Rive Gauche..oh my word..fragrance in a tin with bands of black enamel around...dancing at the Hacienda and drinking too many shots..


• YSL Paris...adorable bottle but it had to go after a week or 2...soooooooo sweet


• Penhaligons Blenheim...always and forever a reminder of so many places travelled to with a small bottle and an old faded dress and flip flops.


• Dior Eau Savage...what is it with this wonderful light small and its androgynous green scent..mmm...clothes off..tick...ready..tick..

Anyway back to work.

I mean ...you would....absolutely would "2"

So its Matthew v Jude this time...go on...you know you want to...buy both!

Fly the Flag

it did occur to me that instead of having ID cards and passports and other plain and awful carte d'indentite , a smashing alternative would be for every British citizen to have their own flag. Yep. absolutely your own. Fill a flag with your own uniqueness and loves in life. What Bliss. so picture the scenario; you are at the airport, going through the check in, and no need to fumble anymore in your top pocket for a dodgy little passport , as clever you, the day before you popped to Happy Snaps on the Gloucester road and got your flag printed on a tea shirt. So all you do is open your jacket, show your unique flag, and woosh, your through in a flash...

TMH opens his jacket, reveals a tight T which sports 3 interlocking woven hearts each delicately sewn with Chopard lockets containing teeny rose diamonds, the centre of which can be pressed to reveal some delicate Rachmaninoff . She would let him through immediately save that the buff guy 3 doors down in the queue is wearing a vaguely similar composition except that he Has Diana Dors encapsulated in his Hearts and the check in girl is wondering if they have swapped flags. a big hoo har ensues and we are back to passports faster than you can say Easter Bunny in a velvet Jacket.

I mean..you would...you absolutely would...

Bathazar V Jose..you pick...

Advice on a Wardrobe cull...

Do the wardrobe once. Leave for 2-3 weeks, do again. Leave 1 month, split with your Guy, plan to lose 7lbs in trauma, and admit that Lilac was a bad buy. ( and mauve and purple and everything out of the lavender family). Then have 2 glasses and 2 mates round and cull again. By now you should own 3 pairs of shoes 3 dresses 4 trousers and a few shirts. More to the point, GONE must include the following;

• Every pair of pop socks you have had since you were 15.yep every pair.
• Nothing with glitter stripes and pleats to stay- go as a Nun to fancy dress instead.


• All shoes with holes in even if they are emotional shoes that have a past. Yep, every pair.


• All clothes which look better on someone else.


• All clothes that you intended to wear for a wedding( and didn't) Bar mitzvah ( and didn't) pals 30th (and she is now 42)


• every single bra that has lost its matching pants, on a day when the world turned red.


• If you really must keep favourites , put them away in a trunk as if they were photos( they are not to be worn)


• All bad smelling fragrance that's been lurking since 1983 ...yes, you know its there...

What a difference a day makes...

How was your weekend? "Oh nothing much, popped to M and S and washed the 2ND car under the carport and watched 3 programmes on the Hitler channel on sky plus....... and caught up with Nancy."........ er........let me drift off to the sound of the ocean...zzzzzzzzzzzz .

However I didn't do any of the above. Instead I re booted the Aga, cooked for 16, wrote a piece for the New York Times, mentally have moved house at last ( its taken me 9 years to get here to feel like moving on and parking a few memories) . Lets hope the cabinet takes on dwarf proportions at last... TMH is now well on the way to being the face of Balenciaga for Men spring '10. He may have to settle for being the face of Bachelor soups, with a few sexy innuendos involving a spoon and boiling over soup,/Nigella lurking smugly in a fade out shot in the background- but he will take it in his stride which he tells me he can do with almost anything. And some of it is best kept out of Print.

You do have to say TMH will be wasted on the soup Ad so fingers crossed-I mean , you would wouldn't you?

I think TMH may be in love

He has her whilst he is in the bath in the morning. He has her in the evening. He even insists on having her in the car at all times of the day. She absolutely struts his stuff, and he just cant enough of her......nay........cant live without her. He has physically worn her out whilst leaving her case in the car. Her name is Diana. Her husband, Elvis needn't get too worried-Its only a passing phase, and I guess the said Elvis needn't file for divorce too hastily.TMH is very fickle and as I said , it will pass. Like a bowling ball through a wood pidgeon.

Mens shoes and other strange cuts to the hand...

I woke up today with a strange cut on my finger. I have to conclude that Charles was trying to get me to play croquet in the night and it all went wrong. But all that aside I do need to talk men's shoes, as the subject took off and matured in to a heated little chat , shall we say , last night . Boys v Girls?. Manolos V Dolcis.?..you can feel the heat and direction this was taking. I tried miserably to argue that if was a guy I would have just a handful of pairs of shoes, which would include 2 pairs of Lobbs and a pair of Edward Green ( those Oh so lovely suede numbers with the long toe-how in love could you be with a pair of shoes) Anyway; clearly the divided opinions separated the group like the red sea- connoisseurs to the right and scruffy buggers to the left. I stopped speaking after Mr X said he had never spent more than £25 on a pair of shoes in his life. I thought I would see if there was a box of ice pops lurking in the said persons freezer which might after 10 mins give his lips the big chill. Can you imagine being that proud.I would rather tar and feather myself in a damp ditch and place a paving stone on my head than suffer under £25 quid-dom for the rest of my days. There's every possibility that TMH feels the same way as he navigates a cheese and wine as we speak... except that the tar and feathers will appeal deep down in his psyche but lets not go there.Lets not indeed.

Credit Crunch and the search for a true meaning...

Can I get credit? Yes I expect so. Can I get Crunch? Yes Kellogg's do a lovely set of cereals in mini boxes that do the job beautifully..from Hoops to Loops to Flakes to Pops ..well you know, the shelves are jammed with the beasts. So what is it then that has had us shunning Prada and checking out Primark. But ; The horror is the NEW Primark smugness....quel Horreur..." the I only paid £1 brigade" And as if they needed to point it out. We already new and we secretly think they should sue them for crimes against fashion. But we keep quiet and smile, thinking if it means I have to trade up next month and not eat for 6 weeks , I shall be in Prada regardless. Just you watch...

The Empty Wardrobe..well potentially

TMH has been on the wardrobe prowl. There is nothing covert or secret squirrel about his activities. He just flings open the doors and climbs in and climbs out, sporting what remains of my ever dwindling section of the androgynous section of my rails. The grey dept is now almost depleted and the black is getting attacked.All mountain goats who surrender their fluff to be woven in to the lightest of pashminas are cowering at the back of the closet. I guess in a roundabout way is is is time he started choosing from the pinks and lilacs-might take a tadge of persuasion after a couple of glasses but well worth the effort I would say. I am desperate to get better use from the stagnant ballgowns that rarely get an airing but unless there is a Danny La Rue tribute act at the village assembly rooms , it may not happen. Watch this space...

Dull and Boringingsville Arizona

Is it me or is everyone becoming really dull. I am not generalising here , dear reader, so don't be offended. Its not personal. There is a complete lack of imagination which leaves me cold. Aren't you clever baking your own cakes( what?) they cry and aren't you creative( you have hand written a letter with pen and ink). My translation to all things in life as seen by the masses thus is as follows;
Georgian-something in a nest of 3 from the Grattan catalogue-
Edwardian-ditto as above from the Next home directory-
Victorian-ditto as above from Past Times, (as in a Victorian style Ipod cover with cherubs draped in sequins)
Bauhaus-a web site for 100% washable dog baskets.
Post War-anything after the Falklands which takes in Spandau Ballet and The Human league .
Contemporary.something from Asda Home or Aldi at Home. This means candles made from Pygmy effluent which gives an authentic wholesome smell around the home-One quick squirt and you are there. And don't get me on the Tesco Home fragrance aisles-They should be banned-every conceivable slice of utter nonsense all lined up masquerading as Lily of The Valley point -and -squirt or one -quick -puff diffuser. As if. My tip is to mash up a rotten banana-leave it on the window sill and guaranteed and wait for the comments-Its far cheaper.

And Oh I forgot,

Vintage...absolutely anything that's disregarded by your auntie Pat including the shower curtain with the plastic roses sliding rings from 1969...and the knitted poodle cover over the wine bottle. Bring it on.

Knickers

I want to talk about knickers.They get little air space in Vogue or in fact anywhere outside of Knicker weekly or Readers Knicker-both clearly don't exist unless you subscribe to some dodgy ciber portal, but we wont be going there so lets keep it above the sheets... I love the fact that Stella McCartney calls her frillies after an occasion or event-Lets say "Big day out" or "Down at your aunties" or whatever has the designers in raptures...But I am here to talk about the new phenomenon, nay obsession du monde, which is that of the frilly knicker. Everywhere you look there are frills and more frills ..don't try and get a pair of uncle sensibles that appear invisible under your trousers right now...nooooooooooo... not a pair to be had ! Waltzing through Primark the other day I was shocked to crumpet by the multiple tables and units stacked high simply with frilly nicknax...... thousands of the beasts.........every shade imaginable including Neapolitan ice cream( beach) and sorbets ( evening at beach) and dayglo( club near beach). And at £2 a pair, well, fill that trolley babes. Have I mentioned that they are ever so scratchy looking and in the wrong like they would make your arse look like a 60s bathing cap.

Absolutely Fabulous

The one thing I have always admired about TMH, is his unparalleled complete and utter disdain for absolutely anything that falls short of completely fabulous. He cant do half mast and has a personal physical meltdown over just about anything he deems naff or compromised-the flip side of this is that he adores the ridiculously high end of every sector ( think dogs coats hand stitched in Mink; Useless hand sequined bookmarks that rip the pages; shirts made from feathers et al) ...well all this brings me to thinking that it would be worth a nations "gasp", to see him win a TV competition to have his entire home decorated and furnished as a prize... and then see his face when it is announced that it is all to come from "Asda Home" ; Priceless.

He doesn't do humble so he would either flounce off set, muttering about preferring to live in a shanty town in Mumbai or accept the challenge whilst Ipod-ing a flight out of the country , and never been seen again. There is only so much rouching bunching and gathering you can do with 100% poly cotton sheeting. He thinks a house fire in a dodgy area is a blessing.

I think I have decided that I need a job; well possibly....

After much deliberation over what job to go for, alas, I have the answer... I am to become a furrier! that way I am sure to get a cheap mink or two! MH

Notes from a small wardrobe.

I had a bit of an 80s throwback seeing my Johnny Boden early issue fabulous belt, long placed at the back of the drawer for 80s waist reasons shall we say, get a second airing. Who remembers that fantastic and anarchic first catalogue, with its near obsession with stars-big baggy sweaters in cream with a giant central star, and look hard enough-the wonderful belts with Brass star and brass crown buckles...they didn't quite thread through the fine belt tabs on your Lee jeans, but you made them fit, loved them and carefully put them at the back of the drawer knowing that they were a bit special. They got a stay of execution every time you did a cull. You know you wouldn't probably easily fit them around your jeans without a big squeeze but they had to stay. I starting thinking about dark thoughts involving how many points in a topic or a twix, when TMH proudly sported one recently, and It has to be said it was quite fitted on him too. Very worrying indeed, when you consider that there is more flesh on a moose,s antler and if he turns sideways he could be marked absent.Note to diary.The cream eggs in trays of 12 from Tesco are to be a thing of the past.

Light Bulbs. Now there's an interesting subject...

It has come to be known that we don't all agree on the current offer of light bulbs-to be more precise the Eco friendly light up and last forever types.I am told that the said bulbs give out a poor low light and they take too long to crank up , and the idea of reading has therefore long passed. No Eyebrow plucking there then at the last minute, and G-d only knows quick facial inspections are a thing of the past.Leaving the house with gone with the wind hair and too much mascara is a thing I must get used to. It would appear that he holds a majority view, and I am to be given to buying all of the remaining shelf stock from Waitrose of the old currency style standard bulbs so that in the days ahead, arranged pre-leave-the -house appearance can be maximised...Perhaps I should never look in the mirror again-just take to simply hollowing out a giant Cadburys cream egg, fitting it neatly over my head like a bike Helmet. That way the mascara and hair will be oblivious to the world Perhaps not. As I shortly to enter the hallowed Charleston House in Sussex I am guessing they don't want 2lbs of chocolate dripping on to Duncan Grants ceramics, so as they say up north-I "shall pack that idea in". Onwards and upwards...