The Empty Wardrobe..well potentially

TMH has been on the wardrobe prowl. There is nothing covert or secret squirrel about his activities. He just flings open the doors and climbs in and climbs out, sporting what remains of my ever dwindling section of the androgynous section of my rails. The grey dept is now almost depleted and the black is getting attacked.All mountain goats who surrender their fluff to be woven in to the lightest of pashminas are cowering at the back of the closet. I guess in a roundabout way is is is time he started choosing from the pinks and lilacs-might take a tadge of persuasion after a couple of glasses but well worth the effort I would say. I am desperate to get better use from the stagnant ballgowns that rarely get an airing but unless there is a Danny La Rue tribute act at the village assembly rooms , it may not happen. Watch this space...

Dull and Boringingsville Arizona

Is it me or is everyone becoming really dull. I am not generalising here , dear reader, so don't be offended. Its not personal. There is a complete lack of imagination which leaves me cold. Aren't you clever baking your own cakes( what?) they cry and aren't you creative( you have hand written a letter with pen and ink). My translation to all things in life as seen by the masses thus is as follows;
Georgian-something in a nest of 3 from the Grattan catalogue-
Edwardian-ditto as above from the Next home directory-
Victorian-ditto as above from Past Times, (as in a Victorian style Ipod cover with cherubs draped in sequins)
Bauhaus-a web site for 100% washable dog baskets.
Post War-anything after the Falklands which takes in Spandau Ballet and The Human league .
Contemporary.something from Asda Home or Aldi at Home. This means candles made from Pygmy effluent which gives an authentic wholesome smell around the home-One quick squirt and you are there. And don't get me on the Tesco Home fragrance aisles-They should be banned-every conceivable slice of utter nonsense all lined up masquerading as Lily of The Valley point -and -squirt or one -quick -puff diffuser. As if. My tip is to mash up a rotten banana-leave it on the window sill and guaranteed and wait for the comments-Its far cheaper.

And Oh I forgot,

Vintage...absolutely anything that's disregarded by your auntie Pat including the shower curtain with the plastic roses sliding rings from 1969...and the knitted poodle cover over the wine bottle. Bring it on.

Knickers

I want to talk about knickers.They get little air space in Vogue or in fact anywhere outside of Knicker weekly or Readers Knicker-both clearly don't exist unless you subscribe to some dodgy ciber portal, but we wont be going there so lets keep it above the sheets... I love the fact that Stella McCartney calls her frillies after an occasion or event-Lets say "Big day out" or "Down at your aunties" or whatever has the designers in raptures...But I am here to talk about the new phenomenon, nay obsession du monde, which is that of the frilly knicker. Everywhere you look there are frills and more frills ..don't try and get a pair of uncle sensibles that appear invisible under your trousers right now...nooooooooooo... not a pair to be had ! Waltzing through Primark the other day I was shocked to crumpet by the multiple tables and units stacked high simply with frilly nicknax...... thousands of the beasts.........every shade imaginable including Neapolitan ice cream( beach) and sorbets ( evening at beach) and dayglo( club near beach). And at £2 a pair, well, fill that trolley babes. Have I mentioned that they are ever so scratchy looking and in the wrong like they would make your arse look like a 60s bathing cap.

Absolutely Fabulous

The one thing I have always admired about TMH, is his unparalleled complete and utter disdain for absolutely anything that falls short of completely fabulous. He cant do half mast and has a personal physical meltdown over just about anything he deems naff or compromised-the flip side of this is that he adores the ridiculously high end of every sector ( think dogs coats hand stitched in Mink; Useless hand sequined bookmarks that rip the pages; shirts made from feathers et al) ...well all this brings me to thinking that it would be worth a nations "gasp", to see him win a TV competition to have his entire home decorated and furnished as a prize... and then see his face when it is announced that it is all to come from "Asda Home" ; Priceless.

He doesn't do humble so he would either flounce off set, muttering about preferring to live in a shanty town in Mumbai or accept the challenge whilst Ipod-ing a flight out of the country , and never been seen again. There is only so much rouching bunching and gathering you can do with 100% poly cotton sheeting. He thinks a house fire in a dodgy area is a blessing.

I think I have decided that I need a job; well possibly....

After much deliberation over what job to go for, alas, I have the answer... I am to become a furrier! that way I am sure to get a cheap mink or two! MH

Notes from a small wardrobe.

I had a bit of an 80s throwback seeing my Johnny Boden early issue fabulous belt, long placed at the back of the drawer for 80s waist reasons shall we say, get a second airing. Who remembers that fantastic and anarchic first catalogue, with its near obsession with stars-big baggy sweaters in cream with a giant central star, and look hard enough-the wonderful belts with Brass star and brass crown buckles...they didn't quite thread through the fine belt tabs on your Lee jeans, but you made them fit, loved them and carefully put them at the back of the drawer knowing that they were a bit special. They got a stay of execution every time you did a cull. You know you wouldn't probably easily fit them around your jeans without a big squeeze but they had to stay. I starting thinking about dark thoughts involving how many points in a topic or a twix, when TMH proudly sported one recently, and It has to be said it was quite fitted on him too. Very worrying indeed, when you consider that there is more flesh on a moose,s antler and if he turns sideways he could be marked absent.Note to diary.The cream eggs in trays of 12 from Tesco are to be a thing of the past.

Light Bulbs. Now there's an interesting subject...

It has come to be known that we don't all agree on the current offer of light bulbs-to be more precise the Eco friendly light up and last forever types.I am told that the said bulbs give out a poor low light and they take too long to crank up , and the idea of reading has therefore long passed. No Eyebrow plucking there then at the last minute, and G-d only knows quick facial inspections are a thing of the past.Leaving the house with gone with the wind hair and too much mascara is a thing I must get used to. It would appear that he holds a majority view, and I am to be given to buying all of the remaining shelf stock from Waitrose of the old currency style standard bulbs so that in the days ahead, arranged pre-leave-the -house appearance can be maximised...Perhaps I should never look in the mirror again-just take to simply hollowing out a giant Cadburys cream egg, fitting it neatly over my head like a bike Helmet. That way the mascara and hair will be oblivious to the world Perhaps not. As I shortly to enter the hallowed Charleston House in Sussex I am guessing they don't want 2lbs of chocolate dripping on to Duncan Grants ceramics, so as they say up north-I "shall pack that idea in". Onwards and upwards...